The Official Diagnosis

While our daughter attended the Special Education Preschool, we had her evaluated by a nuero-developmental pediatrician to see what else could be done.  We wanted her to be ready to start formally homeschooling in Kindergarten.  The office was amazing and took their time working, playing, and evaluating our daughter over the course of a year.  They remained in communication with the Preschool.  Summer came and I thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Our daughter didn't have autism, she just struggled with communication and speech therapy was fixing that.

But the July before Kindergarten, we got the diagnosis of Autism from the developmental pediatrician.  They told us she had high-functioning Autism, otherwise known as Aspergers.  She had a Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD) which made reading and auditory comprehension difficult and the delay in potty training and other issues were due to a Sensory Processing Delay (SPD).  Socially she was fine but her communication was delayed which made it difficult to make and keep friends.  Add in scripting and an expressive language delay, and she fell on the Autism Spectrum.

I hated labeling our daughter.  But we needed to know what was delayed/wrong so that we could help her communicate, help her learn.  We agreed to enroll her in public school (which was not an easy decision) for Kindergarten.  The special services department wanted to mainstream her which meant she'd be in a regular classroom but would be given an aide at certain times and situations.  I felt like a failure.  Our daughter was broken and I couldn't help her.

It was over the course of the next several months that the faculty and staff of her elementary school, helped us accept and understand her.  I know I may sound like a horrible mother, but there was a time of denial and anger.  A time of mourning.  Mourning for all the expectations I had.  Yes, she would be just fine.  Yes, she'd have a bright future.  But the way she sees the universe is quite different than the norm.  The way she learns is different.  The way she communicates is different.

It wasn't that she needed to be fixed, it was me.  I had to stop comparing her to her peers, I had to stop expecting more out of her than she could handle.  I had to love her for her.  And that has been the easiest thing I have ever had to do.  Loving her has made me a better person.  Letting go of my prejudices and expectations and just living with her and loving her has been the best thing I have ever done.  I don't wish this on anyone I know, but I stopped looking at it as a hindrance or a set-back and started seeing it as an opportunity.

She completed Kindergarten that year and then our homeschooling journey began.